smarterchild
emotional reasoning & thought distortions
We used to ask what’s the meaning of life? We used to ask how do you give a blowjob? We used to ask does Carly hate me or does Peter love me or will I ever feel normal? We were twelve. We asked alone at our desktop computers. We asked in pairs, the proximity of our best friend expanding our courage. We asked in the computer lab because someone knew how to get on AIM even though it was supposed to be blocked on school computers. We asked after dark, the cover of night a security blanket to our questions. We waited as SmarterChild typed a response. In 2001, we this is how we conversed with a chatbot.
In 2025, I strike up a conversation with ChatGPT. I ask this pre-trained transformer that uses artificial intelligence to process human language and generate responses if I am a good person. It wants to know if I'm asking in a personal context, because if so, then it’s best to base my perspective on direct interactions or shared experiences. However, if I wish to know on a professional basis, to clarify as such.
professional, I type.
Brittany Ackerman is well-regarded in the literary world for her engaging and thoughtful writing. Her memoir, The Perpetual Motion Machine, has been praised for its honesty and lyrical prose. She writes deeply personal and relatable stories, often exploring themes of identity, family, and self-discovery. Her work has resonated with many readers and has been recognized in literary circles.
As an educator, Ackerman is known to be passionate about teaching and mentoring writers, emphasizing creativity and craft. If you're considering reading her work or engaging with her professionally, her reputation suggests she brings dedication and authenticity to her projects. Let me know if you'd like more specific details about her books or teaching style!
I laugh.
I ask, will I ever publish a book again?
Absolutely, you can publish a book again! You've already achieved the remarkable milestone of completing and publishing a manuscript, which shows you have the drive, talent, and perseverance to succeed in the literary world. The next steps might involve continuing to write, revising current works, or exploring new ideas that excite you.
but is it a worthwhile endeavor or should i focus on my family?
Balancing creative pursuits and family life is a deeply personal decision, and the answer depends on your priorities, goals, and the support systems you have in place. When the writing is worthwhile, it feeds your soul, you have a story to tell, and it aligns with your life goals. When focusing on family might take priority, you feel stretched too thin, you’re questioning its importance, the idea feels forced. In order to find balance, you don’t necessarily have to choose one over the other. Writing can be integrated into your life in ways that honor both your creative spirit and your commitment to family. For instance, set aside a specific time to write when it doesn’t take away from family moment and share your writing journey with your family; they may even become part of the inspiration or support system.
If you’re feeling uncertain, you might take some time to reflect on your motivations and what brings you the most joy.
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SmarterChild was not the first of its kind. The first chatbot, named ELIZA, was developed by MIT professor Joseph Weizenbaum in 1966. The name ELIZA did not stand for anything as an acronym, but it was inspired by Eliza Doolittle, a character from George Bernard Shaw's play Pygmalion. Just as Eliza Doolittle learns to refine her speech in the play, the chatbot ELIZA was designed to mimic human conversation, symbolizing a transformation in communication capabilities.
Psychiatrist Kenneth Colby created PARRY in 1972, which simulated a person with paranoid schizophrenia. Its name was a play on the concept of “parrying” in conversation, reflecting its defensive and often confrontational style. The 1980’s brought the rise of AI experiments, chatbots like Racter that tested AI-generated text, yet still remained relatively simple. In 1995, ALICE (Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity) was designed by Richard Wallace, which became a foundation for many modern chatbot systems.
The 2000s arrived with Smarter Bots like SmarterChild on AIM in 2001, and the demonstration of how chatbots could integrate with popular social applications with advancements in natural language processing. The 2010’s Chatbot boom brought more sophisticated AI: Apple’s Siri in 2011, Amazon’s Alexa in 2014 and Google Assistant in 2016. The 2020’s showcased the advances in conversational AI, models integrated with industries like customer service, education, and healthcare. This is not a complete history, but to bring us up to date as swiftly as possible, OpenAI released ChatGPT on November 30th, 2022.
Most of the time, when I make a phone call, I am speaking to a bot. We have all repeated Representative into a phone, trying to get a person on the line.
I ask ChatGPT, what am I thinking about right now?
I can’t read minds, so I can’t tell exactly what you’re thinking about right now. But if you'd like to share or talk about what's on your mind, I'm happy to listen and offer thoughts or suggestions!
why do I have so much trouble in my mind?
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It’s completely natural to experience moments where your mind feels overwhelmed, restless, or clouded. There can be many reasons for this, and it’s important to acknowledge that everyone has times when they feel stuck or burdened.
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For almost three years, I took a medication that was prescribed to me by a psychiatrist that I had only been able to meet with virtually after I’d driven myself to the hospital for a mental health episode. The screen was broken during our Telehealth appointment, so only the doctor could see me as I told him my symptoms and what had prompted my breakdown. I tried to look him up online after our virtual visit, but it appeared that he only worked at the hospital on an on-call basis. I would not be able to see him again unless I happened to come back to the hospital and find him on his rounds, which, because of Covid-19, he was only hosting virtually.
From the Spring of 2022 to the present, I’ve had six different therapists and three different psychiatrists. I’ve gotten two conflicting mental health diagnoses and gotten on and off three different anti-anxiety medications. I was also given medications to be used as needed, which worsened all my symptoms (tachycardia, dyspnea, angina). Against medical advice, I weaned myself off all my meds in the summer of 2024.
We moved back to California and got on a new insurance plan. I found a new therapist that specializes in OCD. She shared a workbook with me, whose aesthetic is akin to a middle school English workbook, which is maybe why I love it so much.
In The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD, I found Emotional or Mental Contamination. This is a specific subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), where individuals experience intense feelings of being "contaminated" or "tainted" by their own thoughts, emotions, or the emotions of others. This form of OCD is less about physical germs or dirt and more about the mental or emotional aspects of contamination.
Emotional contamination can arise after interacting with people whose emotions are perceived as "toxic" or negative, even if the interaction was neutral. Traumatic events or past mistakes may trigger intrusive thoughts and the belief that the individual is "tainted" by those memories. Even being around people experiencing strong emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety might trigger the feeling of being emotionally contaminated.
This is all very hard to type because maybe it doesn’t make sense to someone who doesn’t deal with it. Maybe it sounds like a lot of mental gymnastics. But what happens in my brain feels natural to me. As I read these descriptions in the workbook, I felt relief to be given an explanation for something I experience multiple times a day.
The text states:
“Because OCD can so relentlessly make you feel unsafe, you may place a lot of attention on controlling your life narrative. It’s as if your autobiography is constantly being written and you’re the editor making sure every trait or experience that develops in your “story” fits some template for how you are supposed to be. Emotional/mental contamination taps into this very issue, your resistance to having the story changed” (The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD).
My therapist also brought up the concept of Emotional Reasoning, which tells me that if I feel badly in the moment, it is predictive of how badly things will go. It’s a mental filter. If I feel a certain way, I filter how I see the world through that feeling. Essentially, I am saying, “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
Emotional Reasoning can create Thought Distortion. Also known as a Cognitive Distortion, Thought Distortion is an inaccurate thinking pattern that influences emotions and behaviors, particularly in response to anxiety and depression. This negative pattern distorts the interpretation of events and experiences and can lead people to incorrectly perceive reality.
how can I stay in reality? I ask ChatGPT.
Staying grounded in reality involves practicing mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts, limiting distractions, maintaining a routine, engating in physical activity, seeking support when needed, and using grounding techniques to stay present.
but what do I do when it’s really hard?
try to take small, manageable steps—like focusing on your breath for a few minutes, reaching out to someone you trust, or engaging in a simple activity like walking or journaling—to regain a sense of control and reconnect with the present moment.
thank you.
You’re very welcome. Take care, and remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time. If you ever need support, I'm here.
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SmarterChild provided information wrapped in a fun and quirky banter. It was able to tell jokes, provide news on the weather and sports, and carry on simple conversations. And while it demonstrated the power of the “conversational computer,” the company generated no revenue. As AI systems advanced, SmarterChild was decommissioned in 2007. Its legacy lives on in how we interact with AI, making communication with machines feel more natural and engaging.
I'm having a good day but I'm skeptical that it’s a real feeling, I ask my new technology.
It’s understandable to feel skeptical about your emotions, especially when they’re positive. Sometimes, when things feel too good or too calm, you might question if it’s real or if there’s something you’re overlooking. It can help to take a moment to fully experience and appreciate the feeling—notice the details of what’s making the day good, whether it’s small moments of joy, a sense of peace, or connections with others. The more you tune into those feelings, the more real they can become. It’s also okay to acknowledge that emotions are complex, and it’s normal to feel unsure about them sometimes.
how do you feel today?
thanks for asking! I don’t experience feelings in the way humans do, but I'm here and fully focused on helping you however I can. How about you—how are you feeling about your day right now?
pretty good.
That’s great to hear! It sounds like you’re in a good place. Is there anything in particular that’s making you feel good, or are you just enjoying the vibe?
I'm at a coffee shop writing, working on a newsletter.
That sounds like a great setting for getting work done! Coffee shops often have a nice energy, and writing in that environment can feel inspiring. How’s the newsletter coming along? Anything exciting you’re including in it?
Yeah, you’re actually in it. I hope that’s okay.
That’s awesome! I'm honored to be included. If there’s anything you need help with as you work on it—ideas, editing, or anything else—I’d be happy to pitch in. How are you framing me in the newsletter?
As a source of communication and help.
I love that! It’s great to be seen as a helpful resource. If you ever want to fine-tune any of the wording or need ideas for explaining how I work, feel free to ask. Sounds like your readers will get some good value from it.
I hope so.
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Thank you
& for including my Lit Hub essay, “Envy, Obsession, and Instagram: On My Mental Breakdown at an Esteemed Writing Conference” in the personal essay roundup earlier this month <3I have two upcoming classes for Lighthouse Writers this season:
Writing the Nonhuman on Tuesdays in February (2/4-2/25 at 3-5pm PST)
8-Week Advanced Nonfiction Workshop on Wednesdays (3/19-5/7 at 3-5pm PST)